What Is Passive Aggressive Behavior?
Passive-aggressive behavior is defined as acting in a way that is aggressive but in an indirect manner. It will quite often be quite subtle and you may not even notice it some of the time. At other times, it is rather more obvious and the other person’s intent will be quite obvious.
Sometimes, you might even be acting in a passive aggressive way yourself and not even realize it. If you are, it is a good idea to recognize it and then try to do something about it in order to help ensure relationships, and even careers, run smoothly. Here are a few of the signs that you, or somebody else, is being passive-aggressive.
1. Are You Nuts?
This is perhaps one of the more obvious examples of being passive-aggressive, so it’s a good place to start. Asking somebody if they are “nuts” is just a question, and questions are the standard way of genuinely trying to find more information. Perhaps even for the other person’s benefit. In this instance, however, it is clear that the question is heavily loaded. Rather than being a genuine a question, it is quite clear that it is more of a statement: “You are nuts!.” The question is also likely to have the effect of putting the other person on the back foot immediately.
2. Wistful Comments
Imagine if you are at work and the boss asks you what you are doing at the weekend. To which you reply: “There is a concert I want to go to, but I don’t make enough money!” This is another fairly obvious example of passive-aggressiveness, but maybe not as obvious as the first example. In this instance, the answer is clearly being framed in a way that is critical of how much the person is being paid.
Considering the question was asked by the person responsible for their pay, (the boss), it is a clear attack on the boss. If you do feel as though you are not paid what you are worth, consider asking for a raise, or maybe even looking for a better paid job.
3. The Silent Treatment
Sometimes, we might just have nothing to say to another person, but that is not always the reason people give the silent treatment. Often, it is used as a method of punishing a person by refusing your communication with them. When used in the latter context, the silent treatment is rather passive-aggressive.
You aren’t actually doing anything to challenge the other person, but you are still acting in a hostile way toward them. The silent treatment is generally not a good idea because it can be very upsetting for some people, and it can also hinder the possibility of putting things right.
4. Being Stubborn
When we are in relationships with other people there is often the need for some give and take. We might not always see eye to eye and there are occasions when we might need to compromise to overcome an issue. Some people are less willing to give ground, however, and will insist on digging in instead.
Sometimes, this is because the person in question genuinely believes that digging in is the right thing to do. At other times, however, it can be to punish another person. If you are digging in then you should ask yourself why that is, as maybe you are being passive-aggressive.
5. Sulking
It is quite common for kids to sulk when they can’t get their own way, but people tend to grow out of the habit as they get older. Not all adults do grow out of it, however, and some can be quite difficult to be around when things don’t go as they want them to.
Somebody that is sulking might answer in an aloof manner even when a perfectly normal question has been asked. It can also be awkward for other people in the vicinity and it is not good to make other people feel bad when they are not even involved.
6. Leaving People Out
Whether it is going to a concert or going to a restaurant at lunchtime, we will usually want to invite our friends along. People will also usually like to be invited, even if they are not able to accept the invitation. It is just good to know that you are welcome, and it can be horrible to feel as though you are not.
Some people will use this as a weapon against people by deliberately leaving them out of invites. Some may even go to the extent of organizing an event specifically for the opportunity to send invites to everybody, except for one person (or people) in particular.
7. Backhanded Compliments
If somebody has achieved something or done a good job, then it is more than reasonable that they should be complimented. If they look good then, again, there is nothing wrong on complimenting them on their appearance. Even giving compliments to other people is not always done with the best of intentions, however.
Somebody might say, for example, “You’re looking better than usual tonight.” While the comment is being complimentary of somebody’s appearance, it is also saying that the person does not usually look good at all. A more suitable complement would be “You’re looking good tonight.” No other comment would be necessary.
8. Insecurity
We are all likely to receive some criticism at some point in our life. Sometimes, the criticism will be unfair, but at other times, it may be reasonable and perhaps something that you should take on board. Regardless, some people might feel as though they are being criticized even when they are not.
Somebody that is acting in a passive-aggressive manner may feel as though they are always being attacked by a certain individual or individuals. They might have a certain animosity to people that makes them think that everything they say must be hostile no matter what. Talking is a very good way of overcoming this.
9. Intentional Errors
When there’s a job that needs to be done, it is usually best to try and make sure it is done properly the first time around. It is also respectful to make sure you do the best job you can when other people are involved. Somebody that is being passive-aggressive might choose to not do their best, however.
Somebody that is being passive-aggressive might deliberately choose to perform tasks incorrectly. For example, a child might choose to deliberately not dry the dishes thoroughly when asked to do so. If you do notice somebody doing this, it may be a good idea to have a chat with them to find out why.
10. Having the Last Word
There needs to be a point when an argument stops, otherwise it can just keep on going. Some people are quite good at letting an argument go to help smooth things over, especially when it is over a relatively trivial manner. But some people just must have the last word, no matter what.
When somebody must have the last word all of the time, it is a sign that they are being passive-aggressive. If this is happening, then it may be necessary to let them have the last word just so you can move on. It may also be a good idea to sit them down and have a good talk with them.
